Feb 22, 2007

"...And then you will be just like Spawn."

I actually like ties.
I like them because they are uncessary, something that is woefully absent from most men's clothes. Most dude clothes are dull utilitarian affairs that offer little in the way of aesthetics or whatnot, but the tie is one of the few things that's just there to be there. It does nothing except adorn, and for that, I have an affection for it.
And, earlier this week, I forgot mine.
Rain is becoming more frequent here, and in the interest of keeping my suit pretty, I've begun to leave one at each school where I work. However, I still keep all my ties, shirts and black socks at home. So, I put them in my satchel and take them to work with me. On wednesday, I forgot to take my tie.
When I got to work, I proceeded to freak out.
"Oh, shit," I said, freaking out.
"What is it?" asked Hip-Hop.
"I forgot my tie."
"Oh shit," he said.
"Where can I buy one?" I had about a half an hour until my first class. I could work this. Hip-Hop directed me to a small mall-like structure nearby.
I rode as fast as I could to the small mall-like structure, and began to look around. I was heartened to see that it was full of clothes. Some of those clothes, I thought, were likely to be ties. I walked for a bit, found no ties, and eventually asked the saleslady in broken Japanese where the ties were.
She gave me a weird look. "Nai," she said. There were none.
Then I realiezed that the entire store, indeed, the entire mall-like structure, was nothing but women's clothing. It was wall-to-wall with skirts and scarves, but there was nary a piece of dude clothing to be found. I was a bit puzzled by this, and saw that I had to start class in ten minutes. I pedaled back.
Fortunately, my first class was with a somewhat batty college student, and I doubt that she noticed or cared that I was wearing a tie. After that, I had two kids' classes, and they could have also cared less. Nevertheless, I felt weirdly naked without it. Had any managers seen me without it, I would have probably had my head chewed off then and there.
When I was done rolling around with the kids and teaching them rudimetary phonics, I re-biked and made my way to the nearest 100 yen store.
A bit of an aside on 100 yen stores...
These things kick ass. Unlike dollar stores in the U.S., 100 yen shops have actual useful things. And not just cheap plastic crap. Useful stuff. Stuff like stationary and teapots, cleaning supplies and toys.
And ties. Not great ties, of course, but I was able to fine a rather servicable gray one which I wore for the rest of the day.
Anyway...
I was in somewhat of a funk about forgetting my tie. This fact that I was without it was a clear violation of the company's dress code and ideas of professionalism, and I was hating myself for being so daft as to forget something so basic. I tried to burn off my frustrations with a few rounds of Guilty Gear at a nearby arcade, but to no avail. When I got back, Hip-Hop tried to cheer me up, but I was too busy beating myself up for my transgression that he didn't help much.
Oh, latent Catholic guilt. So much fun.
The next day, the Dude Manager talked to me about the incident. I want to preface this description with the disclaimer that the Dude Manager actually does have quite the sense of sarcasm, which is unusual over here in Nihon. We also get on very well
"If you ever do that again," he said, "I will cut your dick off. And then I will cut your testicles off. And then I will shave off all your hair. And then you will be just like Spawn."
"Spawn?"
"Spawn."
"What do you mean by 'spawn.'" I asked.
"From the comic book."
"Spawn the Todd McFarlane character?" I asked.
"Yes. Him."
I have no idea what the hell he was tryign to say with this. I still have no idea how castration and sudden lack of hair are at all analagous to selling one's soul in exchange for super powers. Maybe Japanese Spawn is different. Maybe instead of being some fearsome, gothic anti-hero, he's just a dickless, ball-less guy with no chest hair.
I assured the Dude Manager that any scorn he could lay upon me could not equal my own self-loathing.
"No," he said, "you are great. You are awesome. But don't make me cut your dick off." I went on to say that periodic self-loathing was sort of inicimal to my character, but I don't think it translated very well.
The cheap tie from the 100 yen shop is now at the school, and is valiantly serving as my Emergency Backup Tie. Also, I very much like leaving my suit at school. It reduces the amount of time in the day when I have to be a Hired Tongue, and now when I'm on my bike and riding through Okayama, I'm just me, not a suit. This is especially nice at night, after work. No longer do I just go home in order to change out of my suit. I linger, go different ways, explore things, and see stuff. Such wanderings might be worth a morning's tielessness.

4 comments:

Joseph said...

To be fair, Spawn doesn't look like he has all that much hair on him...

Kori the tomorrow lady said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.
that's awesome.

I once forgot my heels. But I figured I didn't have class till 4 that day, I could go back and get them and eat lunch on the train (I was about 40 min from my house...but there was hope.)

so I was already having a bad day. and a nasty migraine-like headache was brewing. but I had a plan. It would be OK.

then my trainer called and told me that I was supposed to be at a different school (not my mistake, for the record), classes start in 45 min. the school is an hour away, but deal with it.

shit shit shit, I thought. no time to go back and get my shoes. So I head out to this school. No one is answering the phone so I can't tell them I'm late. I finally get a hold of a split teacher, Jeff. I get off at the station and look for a sign. (if not blue and yellow, perhaps from god?)
"Jeff! Where's the school???? Is it close to the station??"
snickering on the phone.
"No, it's like a 20 min walk. here's the sixteen different turns you need....."
fuck fuck.

I tell him to get the school to cancel the first class and after wandering around lost, finally find the place. But still NO SHOES.

so I wear Jeff's shoes (he was at his other school that day). and since it's almost all kids I have to take them off and on all day. and the kids are loud and my head hurts so much I'm going to die. and I have big ugly floppy guy shoes. the manager keeps giving me dirty looks for being late and not wearing heels.

aw shucks. stupid dress code.

now I do a check before I leave the house.

shoes
make-up
hair
materials
idea where I'm going
clothes

at least I haven't showed up naked yet.

Eric said...

I'm out of my element here, but wasnt' Spawn in a horrible fire and he sold his soul to keep living? During that fire, not only would all of his hair be gone from his body, but perhaps his dick & balls also got seared off? If you think about it, just getting shaved and fixed isn't so bad compared to getting burned all over and having that happen anyway.

SonicLlama said...

You know, if I really have to be like a horribly deformed superhero, I'd choose Deadpool in a minute. He fights against the tyranny of the fourth wall! With yellow thought bubbles! Woo!
Seriously, Deadpool's awesome. I think the term "gleefully postmodern" can be used to describe him. Could kick Spawn's ass any day- and he would do it with flair and irony.